Halloween & Slut-Shaming: Boo!
Just as we begin hearing those first little quips of it being time for sweater weather to arrive, for us to hide those well-earned winter bods, forget about those bikini bodies and shaving our legs, just then–when the warm, comfort of being able to loosen the grip just a smidge on the little voice inside our head that makes us second guess wearing shorts and tank tops even though it’s a thousand degrees out or if we should get in the pool with our kids and ruin our hair and make-up and end up looking like, you know, our truly raw, flawed, at times disheveled selves—there it comes. Halloween. Queue that little voice up again that reminds you that choosing your costume is a decision that can only be made with the acknowledgment that you will have to brace yourself for the darker eyes of judgment if your costume choice is at all remotely revealing or sexual (which it has a high probability of being-trust, we’ll get back to that). I’ll break this down with a bit on the origin of Halloween, the implementation of costumes as a ritual of celebration, the culture of slut-shaming, and the hopeful notion that dressing up as a sexy nurse for All Hollow’s Eve can be a way to embrace our inner goddess. According to History.com (Please note that is not an all-inclusive list of each cultures experience and is a little long winded so if you aren’t interested in a Halloween history lesson, skip right on over this part): Halloween originated as the Celtic Festival of Samhain, where people would light bonfires and wear costumes as a way to ward off the ghosts that were able to enter the world of the living on October 31st, which was basically the 2,000 year ago Celt’s version of New Year’s Eve (as November 1st was considered New Year’s Day in that neck of the woods, as well as later being designated as All Saints Day in the 8th Century by Pope Gregory III). Most of this had to do with it getting cold, dark, and not super great for harvesting around that time. The Roman Empire had basically taken over the Celt’s around 43 AD. During that several hundred year period the Roman’s added on a couple of related traditions to honor 2 Goddesses in October, one being the Goddess of fruit, Pomona, and is speculated to be where we ended up with the game of “bobbing for apples.” Or so I’m told. So now we’re in the 9th century and the Catholic Church is running much of the show. A couple of Pope’s decided November 1st would be All Saint’s Day and honor the Christian Martyrs, though before it had been in May. In 1,000 A.D the church dedicated November 2nd as a day to honor the dead which they called All Souls Day. It’s generally consented this was a weird flex by the church to replace the old Celtic traditions with a slightly similar, but super church approved and authorised holiday. The night before that, (October 31st, then became known as All Hollow’s Eve before it became to be the Halloween we now know it as. That almost brings us up to speed and closer to home. Halloween was pretty minor in colonial New England because of the Protestant belief systems most ascribed to there. It was more common in the South and it began to be a mix of many different ethnic and native customs blended. This included parties, ghost stories and general mischief making. Up until the 19th century the rest of America didn’t really celebrate Halloween. Interestingly enough there was a huge flux of immigration late in the 19th century, including millions of Irish that immigrated due to the Irish Potato Famine that ended up the popularization of celebrating Halloween across the country. Somewhere between the 1930’s-50’s we slowly created the holiday we are familiar with- trick or treating and costume parties. Which brings me back to the shameful connotation that some ascribe to those sexy costumes we’re here to discuss. So, what exactly is slut-shaming, you ask? It’s defined on dictionary.com “as the practice of disparaging women, and occasionally men, for acting in a manner that violates “norms” regarding sexually appropriate behavior. These denigrations, which are often double standards, range from criticizing women for wearing sexy clothing or having multiple sexual partners, to blaming sexual assault and rape survivors for their attacks.” As a member of our high context culture, with a booming financial agenda to keep women buying into the idea that they must be beautiful to be worthy, we have created a strong market for capitalizing on really all holidays, but uniquely so with Halloween. I believe this uniqueness is aligned with our cultures long developed hypersexualization of the human existence which has been done in a way that simultaneously strips it of it’s true, raw, spiritual essence. It is as natural as the air we breathe. Combine this with our patriarchal societal norm to assign women an arbitrary, always shifting boundary of what is ok for them to do, act, say, wear, in order to not be TOO slutty and we begin to see the patterns of young women being sent home for wearing distracting, shoulder revealing tank tops. We begin to see why, ironically, nearly every adult female Halloween costume is a “sexy” nurse, a “sexy” cat, or just sexual in nature. We have been given this privileged idea that sexy Halloween costumes lie behind that invisible line of too slutty, so we do it. We wear the sexy costumes and we frickin LIKE it. And here’s where that constantly changing boundary is again moved to or by whomever it may convenience to still victimize us for acknowledging and expressing our sexuality in a way we enjoy-while we are being encouraged to it do it! This shaming behavior can be the damning scorn of other women too afraid or insecure for their own reasons
Sn*w
SNOW! Probably one of the worst four letter words for this early in the season! Although I personally enjoy snow and winter, many do not. I am here to share with you why winter is one of my favorite seasons. Here it is! In the winter, it is very hard for me to make excuses for not working on my aerial goals. Yes, I know it is cold…… Yes, I know it is snowing……. BUT Aerial Dance has heat and an added bonus you are always sweating not matter what class you take! So why not just go to class!?! Many say that in the winter you are working for the “perfect beach body”. I laugh at that phrase only because I am in my best shape during the winter. In the summer my dedication to my body and my aerial journey takes a huge hit. I find that I would trade being outdoors for indoors making it difficult to make it to class. I also work odd hours in the summer, not helping my studio situation either. Truthfully it has been hard for me maintain my strength and skills by not keeping a regular studio schedule. The winter season brings more structure schedule back to my life helping me establish my aerial routine again! During the winter months many of the outdoor actives I love to do are very limited that helps open up a lot of room in my schedule for the studio. Don’t get me wrong I love spending time hiking or snowshoeing on mild winter days, indoor is always more appealing. I also go back to teaching my regular hours. With a more stable routine in my life, I find that I am back at the studio 3 to 4 times a week rather than the 1 or 2 I managed this summer. Moral of my Story Yes winter can suck, but try and change your mind set! What positive things can you make happen when the winter weather is not so nice? I am not saying that you should venture to the studio if the driving conditions are not ideal, but know that the studio is always ready and waiting for you! Now is a great time if you are looking to start a new part of your aerial journey! We will be starting a new term, which means there will be a lot of intro classes! Winter doesn’t always have to be a negative time of year. I know that many struggle with this time of year with causes that are out of our control, and the struggle gets really really hard. Remember that the studio is a safe place and your aerial sisters will care for you in all of your forms. We take the good, bad, and ugly during all parts of the year! This year make winter your b*tch! Show it who’s boss by making some amazing aerial progress!!!!!! I know I look forward to building my skills this winter! Until next time, Janelle
Unlocking Potential
As someone who has never been particularly athletic, I was unsure of whether I would be able to pole dance. My first athletic experience was as a 4-year-old in soccer. My favorite position was goalie, though I often got in trouble for talking to my co-goalie too much. Since then, I have never shined in any sport, nor have I quite been drawn to any. I was interested in gymnastics, but due to my long-running fear of being upside-down in any fashion, that was quickly ruled out. I found I loved skiing, but I could only go once every year or two. When I started college, I became more interested in personal fitness – running, walking, and yoga. Still, it was largely a chore to perform any sort of intense physical exertion. I was nervous going to my first pole class; I thought I would make a fool of myself with my lack of coordination or body awareness. Fortunately, I went with two friends, and there were only four people in the class, which made it a lot easier. Still, I was the only one who had virtually no athletic experience. The first few lessons felt awkward, but soon I felt as comfortable in the studio as I did anywhere else. I no longer worried about other students judging me, but instead how I could make that spin better next time. My mindset switched from worrying what others thought of me to wondering what I could prove to myself. My biggest moment of triumph thus far is managing to do a handstand, albeit with some assistance from the pole. I had been leading up to that with more spins, rolls, inverts, and poses than I ever thought I could do, but that was the first moment I felt my athletic potential. Pole/aerial is not for people who are already strong or already flexible or already thin. Pole is for every body, not just some bodies. If you find yourself looking at another dancer thinking, “I could never do that,” you’re wrong. You can do that, you just need to unlock your potential.
Why aren’t you playing?
At the gym this morning there was a personal trainer with a group of kids: a girl of about 14, a boy about 11 and another boy about 7. As I did my row cardio I was watching them “workout”. And it made me so sad. These are kids. Why are they at the gym instead of playing? First let me get out of the way that I’m fairly certain the trainer was not properly trained in working with children since she had all three kids doing the same exercises with no modifications for the differences in their growing bodies and developmental stages. So that a big red flag for me. There was also a HUGE difference in understand and executing the “correct” form of the exercise between the 14 year old and 7 year old; he didn’t get it and wasn’t able to execute the exercises with proper form. But the bigger red flag was how unhappy he looked. He looked so bored. So did the 11 year old. They were following along and being respectful but you could tell they wanted to be anywhere else. And this made me so sad. By having these young kids lift kettlebells, do planks and do lateral lunges with a band this trainer was teaching them to hate fitness and that going to the gym sucks. This workout looked like a punishment instead of anything related to joy. What broken my heart was that 50 feet away was an indoor turf area. These same kids could have been “getting their workout in” by playing football or soccer. And the only time I saw joy on the boys faces was when their trainer made them run sprints. They loved the running. They both were laughing during the running. But that was only 2 minutes of their “workout”. These kids were wired to play and were instead doing reps with resistance bands and weights. I don’t know the goal of the parent with the choice to have young kids workout with a trainer, but I do know that the kids would have burned more calories and wanted to stay longer if laughter and fun were part of the mix. The whole point of Aerial Dance is to play. I don’t want someone to think of us as a gym. I want to be the place they come to play. Because play is fun. Play is a basic human need. I have always hated “working out”. When I phrase it like that, it is a chore I have to do and I don’t want to. To me, most of the people in the gym are there because it is something they have to cross off their to-do list or they are punishing themselves for something they ate or are about to eat. I don’t want to punish my body. I want to celebrate my body. And to me that means playing. Have you ever noticed that when you play the time flies by? That when you’re laughing and enjoying what your body can do it is so much easier to do the activity for longer? I have no issues going on an hour bike ride in the woods but an hour spin class makes me want to fake a calf injury 1/2 way through. Why is that? Because we are wired to want to play. It is a primitive part of our brains and lots of good things (like endorphins) come through playing. It truly a part of us, play is a big human desire and motivator. But there is another side of play that I think is so important: The idea that when you play there is no failure. Think back to when you were a kid and you played make believe, anything you thought of was ok. You said the elephant was pink and wearing a tutu with polka-dots. Ok! There were no wrong answers in play. There is true beauty in that. True self expression and learning results in that judgement free zone of play and somehow as adults we lost that ability to see failure as fun as we also lost the ability to play. Showing what my body can do, trying new things and not being afraid if I am not good at the new thing is really hard as an adult because I feel like I “should” be good immediately. But if I’m playing it’s ok to try and not be good. What matters is that I played. To me that is a successful relationship with myself and that is what we’ve tried to create at Aerial Dance. Play has a pivotal role in silencing the inner critic. Instead of working out, play and see how much better you feel!!!!
A showcase of sisterhood
For the past five years, I have had the privilege of participating in the Aerial Dance Christmas Show, in some capacity. For the last four, it has been dancing in the instructor routines, performing a solo, and writing and teaching a student routine. In August, I got married and moved 2 1⁄2 hours away from the studio. That means that this year, I will be watching from the sidelines, and cheering on the amazing women of Aerial Dance. When I originally knew that I would be moving, I thought that I would feel happy and relieved that I didn’t have to worry about the Christmas show this year. No dreading choreography and how much I would mess it up, no worrying that I couldn’t do all of the tricks, no worrying that my student routine wouldn’t fill or that I wouldn’t be able to teach and explain my routine idea to my group (yes, your instructors worry about this!). Most of all, no dreading being in the spotlight with so many people looking at me. Each year I have participated in the Christmas Show came with a sense of excitement and dread, because I am not a performer. I am an introverted person who prefers not to be in the spotlight. I am also someone who is not at all “dancey”, and choreography is a scary word to me. The amount of coordination it takes to get my arms and legs, not to mention the rest of my body, to do different things at the same time and still make it look fluid and intentional, is seemingly lost on me. Olivia, Kelly, and Kim have been saints in teaching, re-teaching, and re-teaching me again for our instructor numbers. Their patience and ability to break things down over and over until I catch on, to the best of my ability, is incredible. Not to mention, their ability to be encouraging cheerleaders while I am on the struggle bus. Did I mention that I despise being in the spotlight? Right, I did, but it bears repeating, because the thought makes me nauseous. Each year, I questioned whether or not I, of all people, with my non-dancey and fear of attention being on me, should really be doing a SOLO, in the Christmas show. Each year, there was Paula, encouraging, pushing, telling me she wasn’t taking no for an answer. As much as I dreaded it, I was always grateful for her and for her encouragement and confidence in me to do this. Christmas Show season rolled around this year and songs were chosen for instructor and student routines, and I told myself that I was relieved that I didn’t have to find the “perfect” song for my solo and group routine. Instructor routines and tricks were worked on and the work began to make bits and pieces into something complete, and I again told myself that I was relieved that I wasn’t worried about tricks and choreography. The Christmas show is getting closer and student routines are opening and filling, and more work is being done on instructor routines. Though there is a part of me that is relieved to miss out on the anxious feelings and dread of choreography, that part is very small in comparison to the part of me that is sad to not be in the thick of Christmas Show season with the amazing ladies of Aerial Dance. Why did you just read about my person experience with the Christmas Show? Because I am willing to bet that at least one of you can relate to some of the feelings I have had regarding the Christmas Show. I am also willing to bet that you let that dread, that fear of performing or being in the spotlight, that fear of choreography, hold you back and not sign up for the Christmas Show. You just read about my personal experience with the Christmas Show, because I am hoping it helps you realize that you are not alone in those feelings. But more than anything, I shared this because while I did feel all of those things, what I also felt was empowered, strong, accomplished, brave, and the best part of all, a part of an amazing group of strong, talented, and beautiful women. These feelings far outweigh the others, and make the other feelings worth it. If you are considering a christmas show routine, DO IT! If you aren’t, you should. If you already did and are second guessing yourself, you made the right choice. The Aerial Dance Christmas Show is so much more than a showcase of routines and tricks. Sure, it is that too. But what it really showcases is the incredible, talented, strong women of Aerial Dance. It is a showcase of sisterhood and the amazing things that can happen when women encourage and support each other. I am grateful for the Christmas Shows I was able to be a part of, and that I get to make appearances, when I can, to still instruct at Aerial Dance. I encourage you to jump at the opportunity to participate in the Christmas Show and encourage you to embrace this incredible place and the people that make Aerial Dance what it is.
Excuses….
Sometimes in life when we seem to be struggling with the many challenges we all face, we forget that we perhaps are the ones getting in our own way. One way this seems to express itself in situations is with excuses. Everyone has one. I see many excuses people tell themselves for why they can’t gracefully fly through the air at the studio even though they would really like to begin taking classes. One excuse I see online is “I would so fall on my head.” This one I love because that is exactly what your instructors are here for! We train many hours and practice safety and spotting first and foremost above any tricks. I have taught students of all different ability levels and backgrounds and I have never let anyone do a trick that was not at their attainable skill level. This is the exact reason you go to class with professionals so we can show you the ropes! Another excuse I think we have all either said to ourselves or heard others say is “I am too fat.” First of all this is totally robbing yourself of the chance to fall in love with a fitness routine that is both FUN and challenging! Everyone starts as a beginner and our students are in all shapes and sizes, even some students that have had major surgical operations and physical challenges. Our instructing team is trained to work with and adapt our curriculum to welcome each and every student that walks through the door and we think you are beautiful! The last one I hear less frequently, but totally doesn’t make sense is “I need to work out first and get some upper body strength and then I will come try.” Let’s break this down, If we aren’t currently doing anything in our workout regimen to build that strength or not working out at all, what makes us think that we are going to go to a separate gym to somehow build the muscles needed for a different activity? This is bonkers! Our curriculum includes conditioning to help you get strong, and be safe about it, while learning the apparatus of your choice. (Not to mention getting some pretty great photo ops!) So, if you find yourself making any excuses in your daily life, ask yourself, are you the one holding yourself back from living that best life?
Pushing My Limits
Shhh It’s a Secret! I am going to let you in on a little secret……. Christmas Show time is one of my favorite times of the year, but it is also my scariest! I love all aspects of the Christmas Show, the teamwork, the practices, the COSTUMES, and the hard work, but there is always one thins that gets me……. It’s the not knowing and being a little unsure of myself. Crazy right? My last blog was all about how amazing the Christmas show is and has been, but here I sit writing that it terrifies me all the same. Which truly it does! Here’s the deal! When you sign up for the Christmas Show you never know what your instructor has planned. This TERRIFIES me, because I am a planner and like to know what is expected of me. Being in the Christmas Show puts the planning in someone else’s hands. This scares me, because what if what the instructor has envisioned for their routine is something that I am not able to do? Each year I have battle with myself right before registration begins for the show. Should I or should I not sign up? That is always the question…… I know deep in my heart that I will always sign up for it, but that doesn’t stop the fear of failure from setting in. It doesn’t stop me from almost getting in my own way. Over the years of being in the Christmas Show there is one key thing that I have learned. Being in the Christmas Show makes me choose to be brave. Courage Each year this argument happens within and each year I decide to choose courage! I choose to push myself to be a better pole version of myself. Performing in the Christmas Show provides me with the opportunity for self reflection and self growth. This year my routine has a combo that scares the day lights out of me, because I have to do a Jade. Jade is one of my nemesis moves because I am not splitty girl. My hamstrings are super tight. Through the years though, I have learned to ask for help or modifications when something isn’t quite within my reach as trick or combo. By asking it has helped my fear of failure decrease. For my Jade this year, we decided that if I cannot get a full Jade a Stag variation will be just fine. BAM it was that easy! Jade is still not my favorite, but I am more confident knowing that it doesn’t have to be perfect. The best thing that I can say about overcoming my fear is that we are so blessed to have our instructors. Because, each year the instructors work with you so that you are successful and at the end of the Christmas Show you can be proud of all your hard work and dedication. They spend countless hours of their own free time to help us achieve our goals and feel like champions. The Christmas Show is a journey full of ups in downs for students, instructors, and our Founder Paula alike, but together we create a show that falls just show of being pure magic! I am going to continue to work on me and my fears. I hope you do the same!
Keep developing
Almost two years ago, in January 2018, I started the “Smart Is Sexy” book club to give our women a chance to develop their minds as well as bodies. It started because I was searching for my own personal growth. After a break-up in 2017 I felt lost and spent a year reading every “self help” book I could get my hands on. In time as I healed the books turned from managing my grief and reclaiming my sense of self to managing my finances and celebrating my boundaries. I love reading in general. And I love learning. So adding these two together into on activity was fun for me. I started the book club because I figured other women may also want to grow and learn about themselves. But I HATED the “self help” book category. I hate the word help. (Probably because I hate asking for help! lol.) But in all seriousness, help was a disempowering word and the whole point is to empower our women. Yesterday while searching audible I saw a FABULOUS word change from Self Help to SELF DEVELOPMENT. Yes!!!! Thank you audible/amazon. That is 100% correct. We are choosing to keep developing ourselves and that is a process I hope you choose to embark on every day. I truly believe no matter how awesome your life is, you can still make it better. For me, reading self development helps me learn new things to try or consider. Sometimes I adopt the ideas, other times I think about them and decide what I already know or do is better. Either way I am empowering myself through knowledge and curiosity. Reading for me isn’t about needing help or trying to fix something that’s broken any more. It is about continuing investigating who I am, deciding who I want to be and choosing every day to be that version. What I love about the book club is it gives me a chance to revisit books that I loved as I share them with others. I not only learn a lot when I first read a self development book, I learn even more the second and third times through. Depending where I am in my journey, different parts of a book speaks to me in different ways. I have a rotation now of about 10 books that I reread a time or two a year because I need to be reminded and empowered by the content. I love learning and growing and I’m so grateful so many authors provide material for me to digest on my journey. If you’re interested in the book club, we are doing a social meeting (aka no book to read) Dec 22 at 4:30pm at Nakashimas where we will decide books for the upcoming 2020 year! Join the closed FB group: ADWi Smart Is Sexy for more information.
Performing
I love to perform. There’s nothing like it. I love the rush of being in front of an audience, whether its 3 people or 300 makes no difference. Being on an apparatus and getting to flow from one move to another to the applause and shouts of the crowd is exhilarating. Preparing to perform, on the other hand is not my favorite task. In order to prepare, I have to practice either to many different types of music, or none at all. The reason for this is because I never really know what type of music, if any, will be available at the venue. So in order to make sure I’m prepared, I like to work with no music or changing styles so I can be ready for anything. I’ve also been helping other women prepare for performances. I like to be able to encourage others to make sequences so that they can show off what they’ve been able to put together. Sharing tips and tricks to help them be able to make longer sequences and use less energy so they can stay in the air longer has been my specialty. It’s gratifying to be able to perform side by side with women (and men) who have worked hard and want to show off what they can do. Performing isn’t the focus of my work, but its nice to get to show off once and a while. What we do truly is quite impressive, and I like being able to share my love of aerial with the world.
Mark hides in his work
When I first saw “Rent” many years ago these lines struck me: But who Mark are you? “Mark has got his work”, they say “Mark lives for his work and Mark’s in love with his work” Mark hides in his work But it wasn’t until now, many years later that I truly understand the why….hi, I’m Paula, and I’m a (recovering) workaholic. As a child I learned that producing meant compliments so somewhere in my head I equated getting things done to earning love. Thousands of dollars and countless hours of therapy/coaching later I now know that those two things aren’t connected, that I am deserving of love regardless of what I produce. So why is it so hard to let go of the workaholic? Because if I’m not a working, who am I? It came to my attention two years ago that I used work as my escape from life. That if I was struggling with something in my personal life I’d just work 100 hours in a week because then I didn’t have time to care. That was one of the methods I used to escape. Some people use drugs to avoid their feelings, I used work. Society praised me for this because I got a lot done. But was I happy? No. Not actually. I wasn’t actually dealing with anything, I was just working to hide from building an actual life. Finding a healthy work/life balance is so hard because I spent countless hours studying how to work and working but I didn’t spend equal time figuring out what I actually liked. After a rough break-up Instructor Niki gave me worksheets (god love her!) to help me get back on my feet and one was making a list of things I like and I just stared at it completely blank. And I know I’m not alone in this. I was on a date the other day and I asked the guy what were activities he enjoyed and everything he listed had to do with work or his kids. I asked him who he was, or wanted to be, other than a police officer and a father and he stared at me blankly. He had no clue. How many of us aren’t whole? I wasn’t. At 36 I was not at all who I am at 38. Because I hadn’t actually thought about what my values were and how I was going to live them. I hadn’t thought about what I would do on my day off or how to just sit with my own company not doing something. How many of us use work to avoid learning what we really want to do? I hide in work instead of trying new things because I know I’m good at work. And it take courage to do something I’m not good at, or don’t know if I’ll like. Once I really identified how my workaholic tendencies were an unhealthy pattern it gave me the freedom to explore other options. I would go whole months where I didn’t work more than 60 hours in a week! I would do nothing on a Saturday but read a book for pleasure. But without fail, when something gets hard in my life, I still fall back on my tendency to hide in my work. I’ve read a million self help books on the topic and so I know I’m not alone. But recognizing when I’m doing it is the first step to changing it. And I want to change it. I don’t want to hide from my life in any way.
