Reflections on 5 years
Sunday was Aerial Dance’s 5 year anniversary. For 5 years we’ve been teaching Pole Exercise in the Fox River Valley. We’ve had thousands of women through our door, switched locations, built a gorgeous state of the art pole studio, then build a gorgeous state of the art aerial studio, grown in number of students, started memberships, and increased our classes offerings. Sunday passed fairly quietly. Minus a Facebook post, we didn’t throw a party or do anything big. Why? Because I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know how to celebrate that we’ve made it when so many companies (80%) fail. I’m so grateful to all the people who’ve made this happen. Yes, I’m the owner, but this company wouldn’t have made it without so many other people building it. And when I reflect on the success of Aerial Dance, it really comes down to a few things: Passion. I started Aerial Dance because I LOVE POLE. I couldn’t workout in the area unless I created the option for me to do so. So Aerial Dance was born. I will always be grateful to Rod at Premiere Fitness for helping realize that first space. Then as my passion for pole ebbed and flowed with my injuries and plateaus, watching others grow in strength and confidence became my passion. I truly believe women in our society need empowerment and I’m so excited and honored to be able to help that journey. Sacrifice. The biggest word I think of when I think why my company made it when others haven’t is sacrifice. No one in their right mind starts a pole studio with the thought of “I’m gonna make money.” Because anyone with two brain cells knows you won’t. If you’re lucky, and run a great company, you’ll pay your staff well and cover expenses. It is EXPENSIVE to be in this industry. A little known fact is that for the first two-ish years of the company I moved in with my parents so I didn’t have rent so I could pay the company rent. I didn’t take a paycheck at all from the company until year 3 and even now it is inconsistent. If I want to do something special (like bring a guest artist to train my staff or put on a Christmas Show) that costs a lot, I don’t pay myself so the company can afford it. I believe in the company and will do whatever I have to personally to make it successful. I’m grateful that I don’t have an expensive lifestyle (though I dream some day of having cable TV) and have a second job so I can sacrifice when I need to have my company grow. Luck. Man have I been lucky. I was lucky that Rod had built a pole studio and had no one to teach. I was lucky every amazing woman who walked into this studio took the risk to try something new. I was lucky the flood wasn’t worse in January and we were able to get through it. I was lucky that when we wanted to expand there was space in our building to have a second studio. I am beyond lucky, and thank my stars every day, that I found women who were passionate about pole and believed in the mission of empowerment enough to sacrifice in their own lives to become instructors. Seriously, my staff makes me the luckiest person on the planet. Sunday was an uneventful day. I was proud of what I’d built but didn’t know if anyone else would care about the anniversary. It really touched my heart that there were so many warm Facebook messages about the accomplishment. And when one of my instructions gave me a card, it brought tears to my eyes. It means so much to think of what we’ve built, what the sacrifices have created, and how far we can go because of the love and support of this community we created. Congratulations to all the amazing women of Aerial Dance for 5 years!
Not being able to play SUCKS!
There are two people who live inside me: studio owner Paula and pole dancer Paula. On Monday studio owner Paula was deliriously happy and pole dancer Paula was miserable. You see, on Monday I brought in Becca Buck to train my staff and the workshop was truly incredible. It was in the top 3 of workshops I’ve ever attended. I was SO PROUD of my girls for conquering their fears and learning some stupid awesome new tricks. But MAN, it is this bittersweet feeling watching the women you are SO PROUD of succeeding while part of you is dying because you want so badly to do it with them. I can’t. Plain and simple my shoulder isn’t healthy enough for super cool stuff right now. As I wrote previously, trying to pretend that the last two years didn’t happen and I’m “good to go” is doing me a horrible disservice recovering, so I need to be smart and not. So I didn’t. But when all the other kids are playing and you can’t, it truly sucks. Tuesday morning I was a black hole of despair. I was so depressed that I had paid for an amazing opportunity that I only got to be part of peripherally; I was so angry that my body “let me down” and kept me sidelined. I went to the studio thinking working on my “getting stronger” list would help. Nope. I climbed the pole twice then sat on the floor with my head against the pole and cried. Clearly working on my list was not going to do the trick to get me out of my depression. All I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to run home and cry the day away. And maybe eat some cookies. Instead, I turned on my “super sad slow” playlist and I just danced. Everything I felt I put into movement. My feet never left the ground. I have no idea what I looked like since my eyes were closed for most of it. And by the second song I started to feel better. I started to believe things would be ok. By the third song I definitely felt better. My head stopped thinking of everything I couldn’t do and started to feel flow-y with what I could. There is no better drug than free dancing to make you feel better about yourself. And now I am kicking myself for not having recorded it because a few of those combos would have been incredible for Pole Flow class….
Fighting Fear
I was in the middle of a series of hoop moves in Tuesday’s class, when I had a few flashbacks, followed by a moment of clarity. I knew right away that this was something I wanted to share with all of you. Allow me to take you down the rabbit hole…. I remember the feelings coursing through me on my very first day of pole class. The whole drive to Appleton was spent worrying. My heart was leaping out of my chest, and my palms were sweaty, and it only got worse the closer I got to the studio. After I pulled in and parked, I sat in my car and seriously considered not going in. After a deep breath, I left my car and walked into the studio, my heart leaping 10 feet in front of me. I recall the apprehension I felt as I approached the pole and vividly remember the moment of panic when I realized that the front of the studio was A WALL OF MIRRORS. I had come to the class in the baggiest shorts and tank top I could find because the last thing I wanted to see was myself. My ex’s words were still ringing in my head… “You’re ugly” “You’re worthless” “You’re fat.” My face was hot with embarrassment, and I made every effort not to look in the mirror. I remember the first time I was asked to do a ShipsHead at the top of the pole, and the first time I actually did it. The first time, I climbed to the top and almost immediately slid back down. When I reached the top of pole, I couldn’t get myself to let go. I couldn’t even convince my body to get into the right position. I could do a ShipsHead and I could climb the pole, but I was not about to do them in a combination. Weeks later, something, somehow, changed. The instructor asked us all to do it again. I took a look at the top of the pole, climbed up, and did a ShipsHead. It might sound like a simple endeavor, but it was one of the most profound moments of my pole journey. I remember my first Sensual Workshop. The lights were dim, and everyone was casting glances at each other, giggling. I think it’s safe to say that we were all concerned about doing sensual moves within view of one another. During the workshop, Leah did a good job of keeping things light and encouraging us to try the moves . At the end, we were given the opportunity to free-dance, incorporating some of the moves we learned. It was hard to get started! Once I closed my eyes, and imagined that everyone was gone, it got easier. I could let the moves come as they may, and it felt so good. On my way home, I started crying. Even though I had been out of the relationship for a while, my ex’s insults were still ringing in my head. I was not crying from his insults; I was crying because I realized something: my body IS beautiful, IS sensual, and IS capable. He was wrong. I always knew that, but to feel it in my heart was something else. In all of these moments, I was fighting fears. The fear of failure, the fear of heights, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of being true to myself. That old foe Fear tried to squash me again as I attempted this combination of hoop moves– with a spotter, thankfully. There was a second, before I started, where I seriously considered not even trying. Don’t worry, I didn’t give in–I fought fear and won. I sounded ridiculous, but I kept squeaking out “Fear, fear, fear” as I turned and flipped into the moves. I wasn’t trying to amuse my fellow classmates–I was calling it out to banish it. In doing that, I found the strength, within myself, to flip into these frightening hoop moves. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. It felt AMAZING. My ability to fight fear in the aerial arts has carried over into my everyday life and completely transformed it. Combating fear has helped me grow professionally, pushed me to try new things and take on new responsibilities. In relationships, I ask for what I need and leave if I’m not getting it. My aerial journey not only helps to heal me, but it pushes me to try in all avenues of my life, especially when I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t think there are enough “thank-you’s” in this world to express how grateful I am for Aerial Dance. Without even trying, they’ve helped heal me and turn me into the confident woman I am today. The aerial arts are more than just a hobby or a way to get fit–they are a life-changing and healing journey. With each class and each move, I learn more about myself and what I’m capable of. I know that my classes aren’t just good for my body, they’re good for my soul. I didn’t attempt to capture a picture of the move that had me saying “fear,” but I did get a picture of this one. If you had told me, years ago, that I would be doing something like this, I would have laughed at you. Now, I will gladly jump into the hoop and show it to you. Why? I refuse to be a slave to fear. You don’t have to be a slave to fear either–come out to the studio and let me show you how to fight it :).
Picture Proud!
There are plenty of classes at Aerial Dance that end in photo sessions. Students not only want to see how they look in a move, but they want to be able to share their success with friends and family. Just as they should! Some students, when they start at AD, are unsure about pictures. They don’t feel like they’ve done anything picture-worthy, and some are a bit scared to share their photos. I was like this when I started too! I really didn’t start taking pictures regularly until I started inverts in my pole classes. It’s something I regret a little, because it would have been a great tool to help me learn. Not many classes go by now where I don’t snap pictures at the end. Sometimes, they’re for my own review. I need to see what’s going on–where my body is at, and how it looks. It can be great for horizontal moves like Flatline Scorpio or Christina, but it’s even better for simple moves like Fireman, Front Hook, and Back Hook. No matter what you’re taking a picture of, you’ll see things you didn’t know were going on. If you’ve read some of my posts, like this one, you know that I saw more than I expected! More often than not, my pictures end up on my social media pages. This wasn’t something I did early in my pole career. The stigmas associated with pole haunted me, and I was a little afraid to put myself out there. Now, I know those stigmas are not true, and I am very proud of what I do. Even if my pictures aren’t perfect, they go up. I like to share what I’ve accomplished, and I like to show the journey. Like this: That, my friends, is not perfection. That is probably the second or third time I’ve ever done that in my life. Now, it came easier to me than it did to some of my classmates. My three-ish years of pole experience and that body awareness it’s created helped me get into that move. It’s still slow, clumsy, and definitely not perfected or smooth. This is my journey, and some of the struggles I face. I’m not ashamed of it, and I know that it will get better. You’ll get better too! The aerial arts really are a journey, one without an end. There are ups and downs, twists and turns. The greatest part? It’s YOUR journey! Your friend in class may be doing really well at front hooks, but is struggling with tucks. Tucks may be your strong point, but you’re having troubles with your front hooks. You and your friend are taking the same class, but your journey is different. Snap those pictures, and share what you’re comfortable with, because I want you to be proud of your journey. Even if you’re taking baby steps, you’re still taking steps. Be picture proud, and celebrate the steps you’re taking in your aerial journey!
Start at the Beginning….again
Almost two year ago my pole journey came to a screeching halt after a series of non-aerial injuries (i.e. planting a tomato and rupturing a tendon in my finger and tearing apart my shoulder doing the Tough Mudder) kept me out of the sport. After 6 months of denial, I finally had surgery and about a year later I was able to start to train again. So what did I do? I tried to start where I had left off. Before my injuries, handsprings were becoming my thing and so that is what I started with. I actually regained my natural grip handspring kick up quickly and my Ayesha. This is the first picture I took on a pole since surgery. It was some how critically important to me that I got back these moves. But what I didn’t do was train smart. My return to the aerial arts was about my ego and feeling like I hadn’t lost anything instead of about my body and my new, unstable shoulder joint. I cross trained on hoop and fabric because they were less painful but on pole I had a lot of pain and my progress, well, sucked. So now what? I can do a handspring and a few other great tricks but I can’t execute simple spins. I can’t execute combinations that were easy for me. I can’t do any long in air transitions. Everything hurts again (seriously, inside leg hangs are crazy painful!) because I didn’t recondition my body for this sport. So it hasn’t been fun. Because I tried so hard to pretend all my injuries and 1.5 years off didn’t happen, I spent 6 months frustrated, angry, and fell out of love with pole. That’s just silly. Pole isn’t the problem; my injuries aren’t the problem; my head space is totally the problem. I have to accept that I can’t jump in where I left off because my body isn’t that body any more. Not only have I lost my skin conditioning, I’m a lot less toned (because that is nicer than saying I’m fatter), I am a lot less strong, I’m older, and my body truly is different. My shoulder will never feel the same again, so I need to stop pretending nothing happened and instead train it for what it is now. So starting today, I’m starting at the beginning. The way I SHOULD have started when I tried returning to the sport 6 months ago. I will go through the Beginner Pole card and make sure those moves are solid before moving onto the Advanced tricks. I will accept that I’m on my own journey and crazy tricks will come again if I sit on the pole until it doesn’t hurt. I will hang in my leg hangs until they are easy again. Only then will I do my crazy combos that I long for. Because without the basics, the advanced stuff is not safe, attainable or fun. The beginning is so important. So here I am, back at the beginning. I’m going to use this as an opportunity to train BOTH sides. To make everything in my repertoire stronger. And when I get back to the stuff where I left off, it will be easier because I’ll be approaching it with a better attitude and a stronger foundation built on the abilities of my “new” body. My ego almost drove me away from the sport I love, how silly. I tell students ALL THE TIME that they are on their own journey and not to compare themselves with others, and here I was comparing me with old me and loosing my own head battle. I’m on my own journey and right now that journey is back at the beginning. Even if I wish it wasn’t, even if I wish the last two years weren’t in my journey, they are, so starting over will give me the best path in the future.
Training Partner
I’ll be honest, I don’t like working out. If you tell me to go run, I’m going to ask: “why? is something chasing me?” The aerial arts are different though because when I’m “working out” I’m actually playing. I actually call my training times play times because that’s how they feel (usually) to me. Scheduling “play dates” has become critically important to me.
Quit Lying to Yourself!
You think it’s your body that will hold you back, but it’s not. You could be twice my size, or bigger, and still be able to do what I’m doing. The only thing that’s stopping you is your mind!
That's a wrap
The past two days we had Debbie Daanen Photography at Aerial Dance. For the first time we did a photo shoot on ALL our apparatus. And it was awesome. We had three and a half hours of photos with our incredible instructors over the two days, taking pretty pictures and insane feats of strength for our advertising materials. We also had 18 students show-off for the camera. This is now our 5th (or so) photo shoot and I’ve learned the following: 1. Holding a pose for a picture is totally different than doing it in a sequence or routine. It is WAY more exhausting!!!! To get the picture perfect, you have to squeeze every muscle. My poor calves and butt are SCREAMING today and I barely did any of the posing! 2. Having someone there to guide you is critically important to getting a great photo. That’s where I come in for most of the students and my staff. For 98% of the photo shoot I’m sitting by the camera yelling little adjustments to get the best pictures. Then when I actually am on the apparatus and one of my girls is yelling stuff at me, I realize first how hard it is to take direction and second how badly I need it. I was doing a fireman, Beginner Pole, and Kim was all “point your back foot”. She was TOTALLY right and I can’t believe I didn’t do it without her telling me! So thanks to all the women who pointed out the tiny changes to get the best pictures. 3. More space is good! This time we did it in the Aerial Studio and I purchased a fabric backdrop. It turned out MUCH better than all the times we did it with paper. There was more space to move, less chance of knocking over the backdrop and a much bigger “white space” to play on. 4. Pick a great photographer. Debbie and Ashley are INCREDIBLE. We LOVE working with them. And as that we’ve done a TON of shoots with them, they just keep getting better. Right now both these ladies can totally tell you exactly what a Scissors, Tinkerbell, and Hooked Recline are and because they are familiar with pole and our crazy lingo can anticipate the moves and angles for the very best shots. 5. Know what you want to do ahead of time. This time, for the first time ever, I made everyone give me a list of moves they wanted, then I supplemented with moves I know they’d look good in. Man did we get a TON of pictures. I reckon this time we covered about double the number of poses as we did in previous shoots. 6. The women of Aerial Dance are amazing. I sit here awed this morning. I cannot wait to see the pictures. Seeing it live was beyond inspiring. I am so unbelievably proud of every single woman who captured her grace, beauty, and bad-ass-ness this week.
What holds you back?
It’s the time of term that I, owner Paula, gets nervous. It’s a few days before the start of the new term and I’m wondering how many women will still register. It’s the time of term that I wonder what I’m doing to market the studio that isn’t working. Because, in my mind, now that I’ve been addicted to pole since 2007, I wonder why the studio isn’t inundated with women. Pole is one of the best things that ever came into my life; it has given me confidence, strength, a belief in myself, amazing friendships, and so much more….so what is holding women back? The studio puts out ads on Facebook and I always see the same comments/questions/misconceptions and want to scream the response: 1. “I’m too fat.” No. You’re not. You’re the size you are and our amazing instructors will work with you to build strength from there. And who cares if you are overweight? Does that mean that you shouldn’t do activities? Does not being your ideal body weight mean you shouldn’t try something new or have fun? If that was the case, my life would be super boring because I’ve been over my ideal weight (or what I think it should be) since I left high school. Yes, I too consider myself “fat” for me right now (I am marshmallow-y for me at the moment, thanks shoulder surgery, 1.8 years of not stellar working out, and a deep love of food….) But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to still play at life! And furthermore, we have women of ALL sizes and they are ALL amazing. The women that come to us strong and in shape I’m proud of and love seeing them grow; but the women who come to us that aren’t comfortable with their bodies, those are the women who’s blossoming means the most to me because I was/am that girl! Your weight is a number, your size is a shape, what matters is your attitude! 2. “I’d fall on my head.” No. If you did, I’d feel really bad and my liability insurance company would be really angry at me. We’ll start you at the beginning, building strength and proper engagement. Yes, the crazy upside down tricks are something to aspire to, but you can’t start as a master! So is the fact that you’re not amazing already stopping you from starting? How sad! Everything I’ve ever done in my life I start by being bad and then I put in time and got better. By not wanting to start at the beginning, you’ll never start anything. 3. “I’m not a stripper.” NEITHER AM I. This isn’t about that. Pole Exercise is about you. It’s about YOU building strength. It’s about YOU gaining confidence. It’s about YOU feeling good about yourself. Who cares how it’s used by someone else (though there are a lot of differences between the fitness and exotic sides of the industry….but that is a whole other post.) So because I don’t want to be professional football player, I shouldn’t throw the ball around with friends? Because I don’t want to have my own cooking TV show, I shouldn’t make a dinner party for my friends. Almost every activity you can do has someone doing the same activity with different intentions. It is how you use your skills that defines them. So I’ll hold my breath the next three days and wonder what awesome new women will overcome their own insecurities, uncertainties and fear to play with us. We have awesome students because they all took the risk to try something new.
Don't Forget to Celebrate the Small Steps!
It’s been quite the week. I started my fall courses at UW-Green Bay. It will be an interesting semester trying to balance both jobs and my courses, though I’m certain I can do it. I also broke off a long-term relationship and signed a lease to my own apartment. It definitely hurts, but it’s for the best. The lease signing and the break-up all officially happened on Monday. Boy, was I glad that my hoop class was on Monday too! I came into hoop class full of emotions and ready to be distracted. The class progressed like any other, though this day felt particularly challenging. I kept trying and trying, but I had to step out for a minute. I thought, “On such a sad and frustrating day for me, can’t something go right?” I was so angry that I wasn’t understanding the moves or able to perform them at all. I took a drink of water, splashed some on my face, and looked into the mirror. It was only my second hoop class ever. I also entered near the end of the term, and the curriculum has been building for the last 8 weeks. I took a deep breath or two, walked back to the studio and hopped into the hoop. The rest of the class still didn’t go as well as I would like, but my experience reminded me of an important lesson I learned when I started taking pole classes. I mentioned in my introduction post that I take some time to learn new moves. It just so happens that I tend to be surrounded by women who are aerial rock stars. It’s difficult not to be upset or defeated when all of your classmates are doing the move and you are still struggling to get in it. This happens to me regularly in pole class and I have to remind myself it’s OK. I might not get the move right away, but I need to try as hard as I can to learn and master it. While some of my classmates could learn it in a few turns, I had to come in to practice for a few weeks and ask for help. I’ve been told that’s totally normal. So, if you find yourself like me, struggling, it’s OK. I promise, you’ll get it! This was the only move, at the end of class, that I felt I could manage to do well enough for a photo. I look happy because I am happy! You’ve got to celebrate the small victories and the little steps forward. Be proud of yourself! There are people out there who didn’t even try! It’s been a long week, but it’s going to get better. I celebrate the little victories in my aerial work, and I have to remember to celebrate the little (and the big) victories in life. Don’t forget to reward yourself too!
