There are two people who live inside me: studio owner Paula and pole dancer Paula. On Monday studio owner Paula was deliriously happy and pole dancer Paula was miserable. You see, on Monday I brought in Becca Buck to train my staff and the workshop was truly incredible. It was in the top 3 of workshops I’ve ever attended. I was SO PROUD of my girls for conquering their fears and learning some stupid awesome new tricks. But MAN, it is this bittersweet feeling watching the women you are SO PROUD of succeeding while part of you is dying because you want so badly to do it with them. I can’t. Plain and simple my shoulder isn’t healthy enough for super cool stuff right now. As I wrote previously, trying to pretend that the last two years didn’t happen and I’m “good to go” is doing me a horrible disservice recovering, so I need to be smart and not. So I didn’t. But when all the other kids are playing and you can’t, it truly sucks.
Tuesday morning I was a black hole of despair. I was so depressed that I had paid for an amazing opportunity that I only got to be part of peripherally; I was so angry that my body “let me down” and kept me sidelined. I went to the studio thinking working on my “getting stronger” list would help. Nope. I climbed the pole twice then sat on the floor with my head against the pole and cried. Clearly working on my list was not going to do the trick to get me out of my depression. All I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to run home and cry the day away. And maybe eat some cookies. Instead, I turned on my “super sad slow” playlist and I just danced. Everything I felt I put into movement. My feet never left the ground. I have no idea what I looked like since my eyes were closed for most of it. And by the second song I started to feel better. I started to believe things would be ok. By the third song I definitely felt better. My head stopped thinking of everything I couldn’t do and started to feel flow-y with what I could. There is no better drug than free dancing to make you feel better about yourself.
And now I am kicking myself for not having recorded it because a few of those combos would have been incredible for Pole Flow class….