My Battle With My Body

I’ve had on ongoing battle with self love and body acceptance for as long as I can remember. I have always had body issues and a love/hate relationship with food. I remember being in middle school in the early 90’s comparing myself to other women. I would look down at my own body hating what I saw. 

I’ve always had issues with food. I remember being younger and skipping out on meals thinking that it would help me to lose weight. I also remember sticking my fingers down my throat at times if I ate something that I felt I shouldn’t have. I remember thinking about everything I put in my mouth. As we get older, we do have to watch what we eat, but I almost had an obsession with it. It caused me not to want to do things or socialize with my friends if food was involved.  

It took me years to finally appreciate my body and what it could do. I accepted that I would never be skinny. The only thing that I could do was to honor my body by appreciating the amazing things it could do, and not focus on my stomach or the lack of gap between my thighs. I felt good about myself and learned to love my body. I even thought it was beautiful. I was loving life and enjoying the sunshine. 

A few years ago, stress from work and the normal politics of working at an insurance company really started to take a toll on me. I put on thirty pounds, none of my clothes fit, and the only thing I wanted to do was be alone after work to recharge. I felt a loathing everytime I looked in the mirror.

Last year I joined Aerial Dance hoping to get myself back. My self confidence from things at work had really plummeted in the last few years. I wish that I could tell you how joining Aerial Dance changed me and I got my confidence back.  But I can’t tell you that just yet. I still go to my pole class and can’t look at myself in the mirror. I am a work in progress. What I’m going to tell you is about the amazing support of these women at the studio and what they have done for me without even knowing it. I want each and every one of you to know that I appreciate you. Your smiles, funny jokes and kindness mean everything to me. 

For anyone who has ever taken a class with me, I have so much fear in doing anything where I don’t have two feet on the ground. Thank you for encouraging me and pushing me to be my best. Thank you for being kind to me with a laugh or a smile. Thank you for lifting me up when I’ve been so down. Please don’t give up on me. I’m still trying. I want to be good, I just want to get back the part of myself that I’ve lost. 

This past week was one of the worst weeks I have been through in awhile. I lost my job. It has taught me to be humble because everything you have can be taken away from you. I truly believe that at any time, we are given only as much as we can handle. After I’ve had time to process everything, I feel that what happened to me this week was truly a blessing. I can now focus on finding something that makes me happy. Don’t ever stay in a job or a relationship that makes you unhappy. Life is just too short to be miserable.