The annual show is 24 days away. In my last blog I shared how much I didn’t think I should be doing the show this year and how happy I am that I now will be in the show. But how I actually feel about performing in the show oscillates greatly based on how the last rehearsal went…
When Kelly & I have a “bad” rehearsal I freak the F out. I have a full on panic attack; I hear all the voices in my head saying I am too fat and weak to be on stage and I believe they are right and I’m just kidding myself. And WORSE, I’m pulling Kelly, who is a dear friend and one of my favorite humans on the planet, down with me. When we have a “bad” rehearsal, usually it means that one trick didn’t go well. ONE TRICK is what causes me to have a total meltdown. No joke. Kelly can verify that I was close to tears when I could not get our toboggan flip up one day, which is one of our signature moves that we have done hundreds of time successfully. Couldn’t get it at a rehearsal and Paula meltdown. Kelly said all the nice things and sent my basket case butt home.
Then the next rehearsal we got everything and it went well and I felt over the moon excited. Beyond grateful that I get to be in the show and have something to work towards. Grateful that my body is doing the things even though my mind is sure trying to derail it. Grateful that I’m having so much fun “working out” with my friend.
And that right there is the show cycle. I go between feeling like a fraud and wanting to run away and quit to feeling proud and excited and like a badass. Back and forth. Back and forth.
So here’s what I’ve been coming to realize. When we have a “bad” rehearsal and I proceed to meltdown and question everything about my abilities, each time I stay there less long because there is more proof in the rehearsal period that I CAN do the things. I’ve also come to realize that even if we miss a trick in the show or (heaven forbid) don’t have a great day on show day, my body is stronger because I went through this rehearsal process. I AM in better shape now than I was 6 months ago. My most recent surgery shoulder is doing WAY more NOW than it was three months ago. That no matter how the performance goes, being in the show isn’t actually about the end performance; it is about the journey to get to that performance. Being in the show is making me a better person because I have to do all the things to get to that performance. I HAVE to show up. The performance is the icing; the journey to it is what has improved who I am and is the true value.