Raw and real, that’s my role in this company…right? Here goes some vulnerability for all of you about the show and doing a routine. Disclaimer: this is about the battle in my head, I am aware the mean voice in my head isn’t reality and you don’t need to comment about the negative stuff I say in this blog to build me up….I am constantly working on getting the voice in my head to be kinder and know she needs to be…so I share this with all of you incase you have some of the same thoughts/feelings.
As we talked about the 2021 show, I had decided I wasn’t going to be in it. I’d run it. I’d MC it. But I wouldn’t perform. After all, I have nothing to bring to the stage. After my failed shoulder surgery, I haven’t been doing a lot of tricks. I feel horrible in my own skin. When I look at pictures of myself I don’t know the fat woman looking back at me. So I had decided I’d be the person running the show but I wouldn’t be on stage. I had nothing to offer that was worth putting on stage. I didn’t want to be on stage. The voice in my head is hella-mean and I was listening to her.
The past two shows Instructor Kelly and I did doubles hoop. I told her I wasn’t good enough or healthy enough to do the show with her this year. That was 8 months out. Her comment was “tough, we’re doing it. We have time. We’ll work on it.” Then she said a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t hear about how I’m not fat and I’m not broken and I can do cool stuff. I hate when my staff parrots back to me the same stuff I say to them….lol.
The show date was approaching. We knew our song. Kelly and I sat down with our calendars and scheduled a whole bunch of rehearsals for us. We put them on the calendar in June for July until the show date. In INK so they couldn’t be moved. And we started showing up for them. I didn’t want to show up. I didn’t want to do the show. I had ZERO motivation. ZERO. I tried to quit after the first rehearsal. And the second. But Kelly wouldn’t let me and I kept showing up for her.
And you know what happened. I got better. I got strong. I got more confident. My shoulder started to suck a little less. The pain got a little better. Little by little the reality of what I was doing overcame what I thought. Little by little the reality of what I was doing overcame the limitations the hella-mean voice had put in my head. Those weren’t real and my actions were proving it. And now, two months before the show, two months AFTER we started rehearsing, I HAVE MOTIVATION! I now WANT to be in the show. I now WANT to be on stage. I now WANT to go to rehearsal. Kelly and I are having so much fun we’re sneaking in extra rehearsals.
That is reality. If you wait for motivation you will never do anything. But if you keep showing up, the motivation and JOY will come. I can’t wait to show you all what we’ve created for November 13th!